


(the way a human loves another human)

by softly (alexenglish)



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Developing Relationship, Exes, Light Angst, M/M, Past Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 07:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11596074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexenglish/pseuds/softly
Summary: I love you the way a knife loves a heart the way a bomb loves a crowd the way your mother warned you about, essentially.





	(the way a human loves another human)

**Author's Note:**

> [a softer world project](http://queerlyalex.tumblr.com/asofterworld)

 

It feels like it’s been ages since they’ve had a moment one-on-one, and Louis hates the fact that it’s been so long. Hates the fact that it’s so difficult to read Liam now. He spent a lot of time knowing exactly what Liam was thinking and feeling, but now...

They’re at the curb in front of Harry’s pace, underneath the street lamp so they can see each other whilst they talk. Liam’s stood with his back to the door, reminding Louis he can’t go back inside until they’ve had this chat about whatever it is Liam wants to talk about.

Liam’s… gorgeous, even in the shitty yellow light. Not that it’s a surprise, he’s always been so fit. Always had the soft cheeks and plush mouth and bright eyes. Louis should be used it. He reckons he’s not anymore, the way it’s making his brain go all staticy.

What Louis _is_ used to is the sour look on Liam’s face, the little unhappy twist of his mouth. Louis is used to being the reason for it. It’s been at least four weeks since they’ve had a proper conversation, but he’s sure he’s the reason for it now.

“You have my attention,” Liam says, not looking at Louis, digging around in his pocket. He knocks a smoke out of the pack, lights up, still not looking.

“What?” Louis asks, voice rough. He traps the bottom of his sleeves in his hands, fingers curling around the edges.

“That’s what you want, innit?” Liam says, exhaling. Louis’ spine goes tight, feeling the familiar defensiveness that always comes with this -- with Liam’s stoic tone, with the way he avoids Louis’ eyes. Louis swallows around the lump in his throat. “My attention.”

“Could do without,” Louis says. It’s not a lie, but it sort of is. It’s a lie in the way that everything they do nowadays is a lie. Pretending that it doesn’t matter, that they never mattered to each other. Being so unaffected it’s painful, mostly so their friends don’t have to pick sides.

“Can you?” Liam asks, a quick snap with an edge that makes Louis’ heart rate rise. The tone makes Louis bristle all over, like Liam has _any right_ to talk to Louis like that.

“I can.” Louis steadies himself. He’s dying for a smoke, but he left his pack inside with Zayn. “Have someone else whose attention I want, but thanks.”

“You do, don’t you?” Liam says coolly.

Louis’ insides turn rotten, guilty and angry and _rotten_. “S’not your business,” Louis mumbles, feeling his cheeks go warm, but he keeps looking at Liam, even though Liam still hasn’t bothered looking at him.

“Innit?” Liam asks, ashing his cigarette. There’s a beat as he inhales, blue smoke as he sighs. “Like, Zayn, mate. _Zayn_.”

Louis flushes. “Yeah, Zayn. Still not your business.”

Liam looks at him finally, eyes narrowing. “I’ve kept my fuckin’ mouth shut, y’know. With Harry --”

Louis stiffens, gut going tight. “ _His_ idea --”

“Andy --”

“Was just a blowie --”

“ _Sophia_.”

“That was Eleanor’s idea,” Louis points out. He straightens and uncurls his fists so he can shove a hand through his hair, exasperated. “What’s your point?” he asks, letting his tone go harsh so Liam knows he really isn’t amused. “Now my sex life is your business as well?”

“It is when you’re shagging all the people around me, Louis,” Liam says, flicking his smoke away and shoving his hands into his pockets. If it was lighter, Louis’s sure there would be a bright flush to his cheeks. “My best friends, my ex-girlfriend, and now --”

“No, no it’s not,” Louis hisses, not wanting to hear Zayn’s name lumped in with the rest of them. It’s different. It’s different for Louis, but it’s also different for Liam and Louis knows that. He goes on, still angry, “I could shag your mum and it still wouldn’t be your business.” Low blow, fuck. Liam looks like he wants to punch Louis. “Everyone else I’ve shagged, not your business. Zayn, not your business --”

“But why Zayn?” Liam asks. It bursts out of him quickly. His jaw snaps shut, like he didn’t mean to, and the hole in Louis’ chest -- the one that’s been aching at a steady rate since the last fight with Liam, the one that ended in literal tears and a break up -- frays at the edges, softly yawns.

Liam asks again when Louis stays quiet. “Why _Zayn_?”

“I like him, don’t I?” Louis mumbles, rubbing at his face. His fingers are cold.

“You could have --” Liam bites into his bottom lip, blinks at Louis in a way that’s nearly pathetic. So forlorn. Louis wants to be sick all over the sidewalk. “Anyone else, Tommo. Anyone.”

“Don’t,” Louis says, sharply. “Don’t fuckin’ ‘Tommo’ me.” Liam looks wounded, and Louis should shut the hell up, but he’s mad suddenly. He knows why Liam cares so damn much, he knows why Liam’s upset, and knowing is the worst part.

“I knew it.” Louis voice doesn’t sound right to his own ears. Cold, cold, cold and so angry. “I knew you were still gone for him.” Louis scoffs so he doesn’t cry. They dated for eight goddamn months, and Liam’s out here protesting about _Zayn_.

Liam opens his mouth. Shuts it.

“I spent so much time convincing meself -- surely not, not my Liam, but,” Louis pulls his sleeves down into his hands again, like it’ll do anything to steady him. “Can’t hide the way you look at him, you never could.” Louis’ eyes feel dangerously tight.

What makes it worse is that Zayn can’t either. He seems to like Louis well enough. They get on so well it’s dizzying. Louis thinks about the couple of times they’ve hung out, just them, and gets butterflies -- it’s that good. But Zayn still looks at Liam with that sweet softness in his eyes sometimes. A look that means he’s still properly in love.

It’s all that history between them, history Louis wasn’t a part of, didn’t even know them for. Spent two years out of high school in love. Split when Liam did his study abroad, and just… never got back to it.

Maybe ‘cause Liam met Louis, maybe not.

And it’s not unexpected. Louis wishes it were. He’s always suspected it, always talked himself out of it. Liam wouldn’t do that to him, Liam wouldn’t be in love with someone else whilst dating Louis. Not that any of those thoughts mattered, at the end of it. It wasn’t Zayn that drove them apart, they did that themselves.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Liam says softly, sounding a bit desperate.

“You’re still in love with him,” Louis says harshly. “You have been.”

Liam blinks at him. “Yes.”

Louis gapes at him. “I didn’t think you’d admit it so fucking readily, Christ, Liam.”

“Why not?” Liam’s frowning deeply. He’s completely serious. He’s not taking the piss, Louis can tell.

“Because it’s not like --” Louis laughs, strangled. “That’s not how you… do relationships.”

“Why not?” Liam asks again.

“You don’t love two people at once,” Louis snaps. There’s a lie to it, Louis knows. Louis knows he’s fancied Zayn longer than he should have. Thought about Zayn and Liam together, even -- fancied the idea of giving them both attention, or having their attention at the same time, or _something_.

A threesome fantasy with feelings, which is why he never thought about at length. Anything more than fleeting was too confusing.

“You can,” Liam protest. “I do. Why -- why would I have to stop loving him to love you? Why would I ever stop loving either of you, once it starts?”

Louis doesn’t know how to answer that. He’s running on autopilot here. He’s used to bickering with Liam. It’s not difficult. Whatever this is? Difficult.

“It does,” Louis says, uncomfortably. “When you leave, usually that’s why.” That’s _why_ people leave. You grow apart, you grow out of love, you were never in love in the first place and just didn’t realize it. Love’s fleeting, for the most part, that’s something Louis understands.

Louis doesn’t understand how Liam’s still holding on to this idea that he loves both Louis and Zayn, that it somehow hasn’t stopped.

Liam looks stricken, stepping forward, close enough to catch the sleeve of Louis’ pullover. “You know that’s not why…”

“Why you left me?” Louis snaps, pulling away. His eyes really are hot now, mouth going all wobbly the way it does when he cries. He won’t, he refuses to, but the urge is there. “No, you left because you can’t stand me.”

 _Can’t handle the way you are -- the way we are_ , Liam had said that last night, eyes bright with unshed tears. Louis hurt so badly, felt so vulnerable with all these ugly emotions. They could never find a middle ground. He didn’t blame Liam for hating that.

“I couldn’t stand the way we argued,” Liam says, sounding pained. “Not that I couldn’t stand you. I wanted to -- couldn’t you see it wasn’t good? Not like that.”

“I know,” Louis says, stepping away from Liam. He wants Liam to stop talking about it. He wants to figure out how the hell he feels about this mess. He wants to get Zayn and demand they sort it all out. He wants to go home.

“Do you?” Liam asks earnestly. He steps closer and this time Louis stays still. “I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about you anymore. I won’t stop loving you.”

“Just like you won’t stop loving Zayn?” Louis demands, far too harsh for how gentle Liam’s trying to be. Far too loud, if the sharp gasp from behind Liam is anything to go by.

Louis probably should have seen this coming. On the list of ‘things Tommo gets’ what he _wants_ isn’t at the top. Or remotely near the top, in fact. It seems like allowing Louis to get what he wants is the universe’s very last priority.

What he wants is Zayn in the house and not stood behind Liam. What he wants is Zayn to have not overhead what Louis just said, but. The universe is literally allowing a fascist revival before it’s letting Louis get what he wants.

“What?” Zayn sounds incredulous. Liam jerks his head around and spots Zayn, mouth going soft in surprise, eyes wide.

“He was just talking about how he’s still in love with you,” Louis says dully, words in his throat like splinters. At least Liam has the decency to look sheepish, big hand cupping the back of his neck. “Before that, he was calling me a slag.”

“Louis,” Liam says sharply.

“What do you mean?” Zayn asks, still stuck on the previous subject. It feels like he’s purposefully not looking at Louis. Fair play, if Louis was in Zayn’s position, he wouldn’t be looking either.

Louis stays quiet. Liam does, too.

“You didn’t --” Zayn cuts himself off and looks at Louis, something fragile in his eyes. Louis aches right down to his toes. “You didn’t come back. I figured you didn’t...”

“I met Lou,” Liam mumbles. “But I always…” Liam’s eyes flick to Louis before he looks at Zayn again, and Louis’ stomach feels like lead.

“I’m gunna, uhm --” Louis shoves his hands in his pockets and puts his head down, determined to go inside. There’s vodka inside, he can drink so much he absolutely does not remember any of this.

“No, Louis.” Zayn’s voice is low, desperate edge to it. His hand goes around Louis’ upper arm, gentle but firm, making Louis stop.

“I think you should talk,” Louis says, he doesn’t look at Liam. It feels strange that he feels more relaxed now that Zayn’s out here, like he doesn’t have to be quite so defensive. He and Liam were in _love_ for fuck’s sake, but Liam broke his heart -- Zayn hasn’t.

Yet.

“We could all talk,” Zayn suggests, looking at Liam. Liam looks a bit petrified at the idea, but he nods when Louis meets his eyes. “Figure it out.”

 _I don’t want to_ , Louis thinks vehemently. But then he thinks about going inside and leaving them to it -- he wouldn’t even know what they talked about. He hates that idea more than anything else. Christ, everything is shit.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Zayn says to Louis, earnestly.

“I don’t want to lose you, either,” Louis admits. He flushes. Liam can definitely hear him.

Zayn’s nodding though, running the back of his knuckles across Louis’ cheek. It’s weirdly comforting. “You didn’t want to lose him, right?” More of a statement than a question.

Louis clenches his jaw and stares at the top of his trainers.

“Are you still in love with him?” Zayn asks, squeezing Louis’ arm. Louis doesn’t answer. It’s pretty obvious the answer is yes.

Zayn steps closer and nudges Louis’ chin, making Louis look up at him. He leans in and carefully presses their mouths together, soft and warm and firm in a way that makes Louis’ spine shiver.

“I like you,” Zayn says, quietly. “I like you, and I want you to stick around.” Zayn bites his lip and looks at Liam. He’s stood there, watching them. For once, his face doesn't give anything away, and Louis wishes he knew what was going through Liam’s head. “I really think we should talk."

“The three of us?” Louis says, dubiously, meeting Liam’s eyes. Liam mouth twists like he wants to smile, shrugs. _Maybe_.

Zayn hums, kisses Louis on the cheek lightly. “Yeah, I think so,” he says. "We've got a lot in common."

"Like how we're all into each other?" Liam asks, sounding tentative. Zayn laughs, so loud it's like a cannon shot. It makes Louis' heart flutter when Liam smiles softly, pleased, and Louis finds himself hoping they do manage to sort it.

**Author's Note:**

> [reblog on tumblr](http://queerlyalex.tumblr.com/post/163360105302/the-way-a-human-loves-another-human-past)


End file.
